Healthy Conflict
Ephesians 4:31-5:2
“Be kind and compassionate to one another…” vs. 31
You’re Absolutely Right
Two men who lived in a small village got into a terrible dispute that they could not resolve. So they decided to talk to the town sage.
The first man went to the sage’s home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the sage said, “You’re absolutely right.”
The next night, the second man called on the sage and told his side of the story. The sage responded, “You’re absolutely right.”
Afterward, the sage’s wife scolded her husband. “Those men told you two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That’s impossible—they can’t both be absolutely right.”
The sage turned to his wife and said, “You’re absolutely right.”
David Moore in Vital Speeches of the Day
Believe it or not, this is a way that many people deal with conflict, or avoid it. I think many of us would avoid conflict if at all possible and yet, we all have conflict in our lives. Some of us deal with conflict a lot and it’s not always a pleasant thing to go through. We have been studying being Spiritually Emotionally Healthy. Part of that is learning to deal with conflict and working through the difficult part of life. If you are able, please stand as we read a passage of Scripture that helps us understand what God tells us about his subject from Ephesians 4:31-5:2:
Read Passage – Ephesians 4:31-5:2
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 51 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Life Is Easy If…
There is an old saying that says “The church would be a great place if it wasn’t for all the people.” I want to tweak that just a bit and put it this way; “Life would be easy if it wasn’t for all the people.”
Life has ups and downs and good times and difficult times. My ideal life says there is no difficult times only good times. Many of us probably feel that way. A great example of this kind of thinking is our ideals when it comes to love. Peter Scazzero says (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality p. 7)
Love in practice is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams – Peter Scazzero
I think there is a part of each of us that wishes there is a world where we could all get along, where there is no conflict, no difficulty, and no stress. John Lennon in his song Imagine has a line that says, “Imagine all the people living in peace.” That would be a great thing wouldn’t it? But reality tells us that it’s not just that way.
Conflict Resolution Skills
But the news is not all bad. One of the things I love about the Evangelical Covenant Church is that we believe the Bible contains helpful instruction on how to live. In the passage we read today, we find skills to help us move through, resolve, and move forward in life and relationships. So here are 4 skills the Bible gives us to help resolve differences, conflicts, and difficulties in our relationships with one another. This is not an exhaustive list but I will tell you, it’s a helpful and beneficial list.
- Notice How You Are Speaking
The first skill is to notice how you are speaking. It really means that we have more self-awareness when it comes to what we say and how we say it. James touches on this 1:19 when he says:
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” James 1:19
He touches on something that comes naturally to most of us, that our emotions come out and they tend to be negative. That’s the anger part. Have you ever thought about how you respond when conflicts arise? A lot of times we express ourselves and then we say something like; “I can’t believe I said that. We tend to be negative, name call, judge, point the finger at others, swear, talk louder, be a bit more aggressive, (ok a lot more aggressive), and yes, angry.
James says the solution to this is to listen more, slow our speech down and to think about what we say.
Ex. Someone in a store who is angry and causes a scene; loud, uncomfortable, etc.
The second thing we do is speak with our body; it’s called body language. We think many times we are hiding it but our body speaks volumes for us. Some people become aggressive, violent, etc. while others mope, withdraw, and become quiet.
Ex. I take on the later. I am quiet. I know, me, quiet! Ha! I also become very reflective, almost down.
Paul, in Ephesians 4:15 tells us that we should speck but to do it in a specific way:
“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:15
Notice the change in how we respond or speak and what is involved. First our speech should take on the character of love. That’s speaking to others the way we would like to be spoken to. And there is maturity involved too. When people don’t respond with love and maturity we say they are acting like a child.
Let me just say this: This is hard and it takes a lot of work. Don’t fool yourself and say you can’t do it but realize that you will fail, maybe many times, but it can get better.
- Listen with Respect
The 2nd skill is to listen with respect. You might be asking, what does that mean? It means to listen with your heart, with compassion, with an openness to resolution and a willing heart to really hear the other person. One of Christ’s most common lines in his ministry was:
“If anyone has ears to hear, let them hear.” Mark 4:23
Now of course we all have ears but many times we aren’t using them because we are too busy coming up with our defense, thinking about our side, and trying to jump in and give our point of view. But real listening again takes work and the willingness to realize you are talking with someone who is hurt, probably feeling as bad as you are, and because they are loved by God just as you are, deserve to be treated with respect. 1 Peter 2:17 says:
“Show proper respect to everyone…” 1 Peter 2:17
The tougher aspect of this is to understand how to treat others with respect. Here are a few tips:
- Put your own agenda on hold. You will have your chance to express your view but be quiet, still, attentive, and listen without thinking about defending you and your positon.
- Don’t interrupt. Let the other person complete their thoughts.
- God back to point #1 and think about what you are going to say and how you say it before you respond. Maybe even qualify it with, “I don’t want to hurt you so if I say this wrong, please know it’s not intended that way.”
- Ask them if they are done or is there more that needs to be heard.
- Be Aware of Your Assumptions
The 3rd skill is to be aware of your assumptions. Now realize that we all make assumptions. To assume is to think you know the truth about something when in actually you might or you might not. Assumptions are not reality until you check them out to see if they are true and then they are not assumptions anymore but then you know the truth. Assumptions come up because we think we know the other persons intent or because we want to believe that we are right and they are wrong. The Pharisee’s were great at this. They always assumed the other people weren’t as good or as holy or as godly as they were and that they had good intentions but others did not. Jesus confronts them on this in Luke 16:15 and says:
“He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts.” Luke 16:15
They assumed a lot about others and Jesus is pointing out that they were usually wrong and that they were hiding their real self. Assumptions cause us to live in a false reality. The key to being aware of your assumptions is to find out the truth and live in reality. Jesus said in John 8:32:
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
To move passed assumptions you have to get to the truth. How? Here are a few steps to this:
- Reflect on your assumptions. (acknowledge you have them)
- Ask the other person if they will allow you check out the assumption
- Say, “I think you think…” and them ask them if that is correct.
- Give them a chance to respond.
Ex. Claudia and I on our walk.
- Be Aware of Your Expectations
The 4th skill is to be aware as well but this time it is to be aware of your expectations. What I mean by this is that many times we expect people to know what we want and what we are looking for before we say it. Many times our expectations are unrealistic, unspoken, and not agreed upon and because of this, usually un-met as well. Again Jesus addressed this with the Pharisee’s because they put a lot of expectations on people. In Luke 11:46 he calls them out on this and says:
“Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.” Luke 11:46
I think the Pharisee’s knew they put these expectations on people. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are putting expectations on people but if we work at being aware of this we can begin to understand that we all to do this. The other thing with expectations is that we are usually concerned about how others are acting and what we want them to do. Part of getting passed this is to realize that we are only accountable for what we do and how we act. Paul says in Romans 14:12:
“So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” Romans 14:12
As we are aware of our expectations they only become valid if they are mutually agreed upon. In order for this to happen we have to:
- Be aware of them
- Make them realistic
- Speak them
- Come to agreement
When realized, spoken and agreed upon, you move forward in your relationship and resolve conflict.
Follow Christ’s Example of Love
So where does this leave us? It takes us back to Jesus. He set the example. He gave us the pattern to follow. He showed us the way. I love the way this passage ends. It encourages us to follow Jesus, chapter 5 verses 1-2:
“Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love…” Eph. 5:1-2
Christ didn’t just do this long ago. No, he is still doing it today.
Romans 8 talks about God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. In verse 26 it talks about how the Spirit is at work in us.
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Rom. 8:26
So get this, the Spirit that lives in us, is listening to our needs, our hurts, our pain, and our joy. In the same way, Jesus is interceding for us too. Romans 8:34:
“Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.” Rom. 8:34
So God is listening to all our heart, all our pain, and all our difficulty through the Son and Holy Spirit and then is working out his plan in our life. He is responding to our hurt and filling us with his peace, his joy, and his love.
